I Had Raised Dust: Selected Works Read online

  I HAD RAISED DUST

  DANIIL KHARMS

  Selected Works

  CONTENTS

  CONTENTS

  Blue Notebook No. 10 (or 'The Red-Haired Man')

  Incidents

  The Plummeting Old Women

  A Sonnet

  Petrov and Kamarov

  The Optical Illusion

  Pushkin and Gogol

  The Carpenter Kushakov

  The Trunk

  The Incident with Petrakov

  The Story of the Fighting Men

  The Dream

  The Mathematician and Andrey Semyonovich

  The Young Man who Astonished a Watchman

  Four Illustrations of How a New Idea Disconcerts a Man Unprepared for It

  Losses

  Makarov and Petersen (subtitled 'No. 3')

  A Lynching

  An Encounter

  An Unsuccessful Show

  Chunk

  What They Sell in the Shops These Days

  Mashkin Killed Koshkin

  Sleep Teases a Man

  The Hunters

  An Historical Episode

  Fedya Davidovich

  Anecdotes from the Life of Pushkin

  The Start of a Very Nice Summer's Day A Symphony

  Pakin and Rakukin

  Kalindov

  Five Unfinished Narratives

  Koka Briansky

  Aleksy Tolstoy

  On Phenomena and Existences No. 1

  On Phenomena and Existences No. 2

  On Equilibrium

  Andrey Semyonovich

  Rebellion

  Ivan Yakovlevich Bobov

  A Knight

  A Story

  An Unexpected Drinking Bout

  Theme for a Story

  Father and Daughter

  The Fate of a Professor’s Wife

  The Cashier

  The Memoirs of a Wise Old Man

  Comprehensive Research

  The Thing

  A Man Left His House

  A Tale

  The Connection

  A Nasty Character

  How I Was Visited By Messengers

  DLROW

  A New Talented Writer

  They Call Me the Capuchin

  The Artist and the Clock

  I Had Raised Dust

  A Shortish Gent

  Knights

  The Lecture

  Myshin's Triumph

  The Falling

  Perechin

  The Obstacle

  A Fairy-Tale from the North

  Symphony No. 2

  Acquittal

  How I Was Born

  The Incubating Period

  Memoirs ["I Decided to Mess up the Party..."]

  "I Love Sensual Women..."

  "But the Artist..."

  Foma Bobrov and his Spouse A Comedy in Three Parts

  Disarmed, or Unfortunate in Love Tragic Vaudeville in One Act

  How a Man Crumbled

  "I didn't go in for blocking up my ears..."

  On the Circle

  On Laughter

  On Time, Space and Existence

  From 'A Tract More or Less According to a Synopsis of Emerson' On an Approach to Immortality

  Letter to the Lipavskys

  A Letter to T. A. Meyer-Lipavsky

  A Letter

  Letter to K. V. Pugachova: an Extract

  Letter to his sister Ye. I. Yuvachova

  Letter to Aleksandr Vvedensky

  The Old Woman

  Blue Notebook No. 10

  (or 'The Red-Haired Man')

  There was a red-haired man who had no eyes or ears. Neither did he have any hair, so he was called red-haired theoretically.

  He couldn't speak, since he didn't have a mouth. Neither did he have a nose.

  He didn't even have any arms or legs. He had no stomach and he had no back and he had no spine and he had no innards whatsoever. He had nothing at all! Therefore there's no knowing whom we are even talking about.

  In fact it's better that we don't say any more about him.

  (1937)

  Incidents

  One day Orlov stuffed himself with mashed peas and died. And Krylov, on finding out about this, also died. And Spiridonov died of his own accord. And Spiridonov's wife fell off the sideboard and also died. And Spiridonov's children drowned in the pond. And Spiridonov's grandmother hit the bottle and took to the road. And Mikhailovich stopped combing his hair and went down with mange. And Kruglov sketched a woman with a whip in her hands and went out of his mind. And Perekhrestov received four hundred roubles by wire and put on such airs that he got chucked out of work.

  They are good people all -- but they can't keep their feet firmly on the ground.

  (1933)

  The Plummeting Old Women

  A certain old woman, out of excessive curiosity, fell out of a window, plummeted to the ground, and was smashed to pieces.

  Another old woman leaned out of the window and began looking at the remains of the first one, but she also, out of excessive curiosity, fell out of the window, plummeted to the ground and was smashed to pieces.

  Then a third old woman plummeted from the window, then a fourth, then a fifth.

  By the time a sixth old woman had plummeted down, I was fed up watching them, and went off to Mal'tsevisky Market where, it was said, a knitted shawl had been given to a certain blind man.

  A Sonnet

  A surprising thing happened to me: I suddenly forgot which comes first -- 7 or 8.

  I went off to the neighbours and asked them what they thought on the subject.

  Just imagine their and my surprise when they suddenly discovered that they too couldn't recall how to count: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 they remembered, but they'd forgotten what followed.

  We all went to the overpriced food shop, the Gastronom on the corner of Znamenskaya and Basseynaya street, and put our quandary to the cashier. The cashier smiled sadly, pulled a small hammer out of her mouth and, twitching her nose a bit, said -- I should think seven comes after eight whenever eight comes after seven.

  We thanked the cashier and joyfully ran out of the shop. But then, having thought about the cashier's words, we got depressed again, since her words seemed to us to be devoid of any sense.

  What were we to do? We went to the Summer Garden and started counting the trees there. But, getting as far as 6, we stopped and began to argue: in the opinion of some, 7 came next, and in the opinion of others -- 8.

  We would have argued for ages, but fortunately then some child fell off a park bench and broke both his jaw-bones. This distracted us from our argument.

  And then we dispersed homewards.

  (1935)

  Petrov and Kamarov

  Petrov: Hey, Kamarov, old chap!

  Let's catch a few of these gnats!

  Kamarov: No, I'm not yet up to that;

  We'd do better to catch some tom-cats!

  The Optical Illusion

  Semyon Semyonovich, with his glasses on, looks at a pine tree and he sees: in the pine tree sits a peasant showing him his fist.

  Semyon Semyonovich, with his glasses off, looks at the pine tree and sees that there is no one sitting in the pine tree.

  Semyon Semyonovich, with his glasses on, looks at the pine tree and again sees that in the pine tree sits a peasant showing him his fist.

  Semyon Semyonovich, with his glasses off, again sees that there is no one sitting in the pine tree.

  Semyon Semyonovich, with his glasses on again, looks at the pine tree and again sees that in the pine tree sits a peasant showing him his fist.

  Semyon Semyonovich doesn't wish to believe in this phenomenon and
considers this phenomenon an optical illusion.

  (1934)

  Pushkin and Gogol

  GOGOL falls out from the wings on to the stage and quietly lies there.

  PUSHKIN appears on stage, stumbles over GOGOL and falls.

  PUSHKIN: What the devil! Seems I've tripped over Gogol!

  GOGOL (Getting up): What a vile abomination! You can't even have a rest. (Walks off, stumbles over PUSHKIN and falls) Seems I've stumbled over Pushkin!

  PUSHKIN (Getting up): Not a minute's peace! (Walks off, stumbles over GOGOL and falls) What the devil! Seems I've tripped over Gogol again!

  GOGOL (Getting up): Always an obstacle in everything! (Walks off, stumbles over PUSHKIN and falls) It's a vile abomination! Tripped over Pushkin again!

  PUSHKIN (Getting up): Hooliganism! Sheer hooliganism! (Walks off, stumbles over GOGOL and falls) What the devil! Tripped over Gogol again!

  GOGOL (Getting up): It's sheer mockery! (Walks off, stumbles over PUSHKIN and falls) Tripped over Pushkin again!

  PUSHKIN (Getting up): What the devil! Well, really, what the devil! (Walks off, stumbles over GOGOL and falls) Over Gogol!

  GOGOL (Getting up): Vile abomination! (Walks off, stumbles over PUSHKIN and falls) Over Pushkin!

  PUSHKIN (Getting up): What the devil! (Walks off, stumbles over GOGOL and falls into the wings) Over Gogol!

  GOGOL (Getting up): Vile abomination! (Walks off into wings; from offstage) Over Pushkin!

  (Curtain)

  (1934)

  The Carpenter Kushakov

  Once there was a carpenter. He was called Kushakov.

  One day he left his house and went off to the shop to buy some carpenter's glue.

  There had been a thaw and it was very slippery on the street.

  The carpenter took a few steps, slipped, fell down and cracked his forehead open.

  -- Ugh! -- said the carpenter, got up, went off to the chemist's, bought a plaster and stuck it on his forehead.

  But when he went out on to the street he again slipped, fell and smashed his nose.

  -- Huh! -- said the carpenter, went off to the chemist's, bought a plaster and stuck the plaster over his nose.

  Then he went out on to the street again, again slipped, fell and cracked open his cheek.

  Once again he had to go off to the chemist's and stick a plaster over his cheek.

  -- Well, then -- the chemist said to the carpenter -- you seem to fall and hurt yourself so often, that I would advise you to buy several plasters while you are at it.

  -- No -- said the carpenter -- I'm not going to fall any more!

  But when he went out on to the street he slipped again, fell and smashed his chin.

  -- Damn these icy patches! -- exclaimed the carpenter and again ran off to the chemist's.

  -- There you are, you see -- said the chemist. -- You've gone and fallen again.

  -- Not at all! -- shouted the carpenter. -- I won't hear another word! Give me a plaster, and hurry up!

  The chemist handed over a plaster; the carpenter stuck it on his chin and ran off home.

  But at home they didn't recognize him and wouldn't let him into the flat.

  -- I'm the carpenter Kushakov! -- the carpenter shouted.

  -- Pull the other one! -- was the reply from the flat and they fastened the door, both with the key and with the chain.

  The carpenter Kushakov stood on the staircase for a flit, spat and went off down the street.

  The Trunk

  A thin-necked man climbed into a trunk, shut the lid behind him and began gasping for breath.

  -- So -- said the thin-necked man, gasping for breath -- I am gasping for breath in this trunk because I've got a thin neck. The lid of the trunk is down and isn't letting any air in. I shall be gasping for breath, but all the same I won't open the lid of the trunk. I shall be gradually dying. I shall see the struggle of life and death. The battle which takes place will be an unnatural one, with the chances equal, because under natural conditions death triumphs, and life, doomed to death, merely struggles in vain with the enemy, clinging until the last minute to a futile hope. But in the struggle which will take place now, life will be cognizant of the means of victory: to achieve this life will have to force my hands to open the lid of the trunk. We shall see who will win! Only there's an awful smell of naphthalene. If life triumphs I shall powder all the things in the trunk with makhorka.*So, it has begun: I can't breathe any more. I'm finished, that's clear. There's no saving me now! And there are no lofty thoughts in my head. I'm suffocating.

  -- Hey! What's that then? Something just happened but I can't make out exactly what. I saw something or heard something . . .

  -- Hey! Something happened again. My God! There's nothing to breathe. It seems I'm dying . . .

  -- And now what's that then? Why am I singing? My neck seems to be hurting . . . But where's the trunk? Why can I see all the things in the room? And I seem to be lying on the floor. But where's the trunk?

  The man with the thin neck got up from the floor and looked round. The trunk was nowhere around. On the chairs and on the bed lay things which had been pulled out of the trunk, but the trunk was nowhere around.

  The thin-necked man said: -- So, life has triumphed over death by means unknown to me.

  * makhorka -- cheap, coarse tobacco.

  The Incident with Petrakov

  And so on one occasion Petrakov wanted to lie down for a sleep but, lying down, he missed the bed. He hit the floor so hard that he just lies on the floor and can't get up.

  And so Petrakov made a supreme effort and got up on all fours. But his strength deserted him and he again fell down on his stomach and just lies there.

  Petrakov lay on the floor for five hours. At first he just lay there and then he fell asleep.

  Sleep restored Petrakov's energy. He awoke completely refreshed, got up, walked up and down the room and lay down cautiously on the bed. 'Well -- he thought -- now I'll have a sleep.' But he just didn't feel sleepy. Petrakov turns over on to one side and then the other, but cannot get to sleep at all.

  And that's just about it.

  The Story of the Fighting Men

  Aleksey Alekseyevich held Andrey Karlovich down in a crushing lock and, having smashed him in the mug, let him go.

  Andrey Karlovich, pale with fury, flung himself at Aleksey Alekseyevich and banged him in the teeth.

  Aleksey Alekseyevich, not expecting such a swift onslaught, collapsed on the floor, whereupon Andrey Karlovich sat astride him, pulled his set of dentures from his mouth and gave Aleksey Alekseyevich such a going over with them that Aleksey Alekseyevich rose from the floor with his face completely mutilated and his nostril ripped open. Holding his face in his hands, Aleksey Alekseyevich ran off.

  Whereas Andrey Karlovich gave his dentures a rub, inserted them in his mouth with a click of the teeth and, having satisfied himself as to the placement of his dentures, he took stock of his surroundings and, not seeing Aleksey Alekseyevich, set off in search of him.

  (1936)

  The Dream

  Kalugin fell asleep and had a dream that he was sitting in some bushes and a policeman was walking past the bushes.

  Kalugin woke up, scratched his mouth and went to sleep again and had another dream that he was walking past some bushes and that a policeman had hidden in the bushes and was sitting there.

  Kalugin woke up, put a newspaper under his head, so as not to wet the pillow with his dribblings, and went to sleep again; and again he had a dream that he was sitting in some bushes and a policeman was walking past the bushes.

  Kalugin woke up, changed the newspaper, lay down and went to sleep again. He fell asleep and had another dream that he was walking past some bushes and a policeman was sitting in the bushes.

  At this point Kalugin woke up and decided not to sleep any more, but he immediately fell asleep and had a dream that he was sitting behind a policeman and some bushes were walking past.

  Kalugin let out a yell and tossed a
bout in bed but couldn't wake up.

  Kalugin slept straight through for four days and four nights and on the fifth day he awoke so emaciated that he had to tie his boots to his feet with string, so that they didn't fall off. In the bakery where Kalugin always bought wheaten bread, they didn't recognize him and handed him a half-rye loaf.

  And a sanitary commission which was going round the apartments, on catching sight of Kalugin, decided that he was unsanitary and no use for anything and instructed the janitors to throw Kalugin out with the rubbish.

  Kalugin was folded in two and thrown out as rubbish.

  (1939)

  The Mathematician and Andrey Semyonovich

  MATHEMATICIAN (Pulling a ball out of his head):

  I've pulled a ball out of my head. I've pulled a ball out of my head. I've pulled a ball out of my head. I've pulled a ball out of my head.

  ANDREY SEMYONOVICH:

  Put it back. Put it back. Put it back. Put it back.

  MATHEMATICIAN:

  No, I won't! No, I won't! No, I won't! No, I won't!

  ANDREY SEMYONOVICH:

  Well, don't then. Well, don't then. Well, don't then.

  MATHEMATICIAN:

  So I won't, then! So I won't, then! So I won't, then!

  ANDREY SEMYONOVICH:

  Well, that's okay. Well, that's okay. Well, that's okay.

  MATHEMATICIAN:

  So, I won! So, I won! So, I won!

  ANDREY SEMYONOVICH:

  All right, you won, so now calm down!

  MATHEMATICIAN:

  No, I won't calm down! No, I won't calm down! No, I won't calm down!

  ANDREY SEMYONOVICH: